oil, mdf plates

100x300 cm

(each plate is 45x32,5x2 cm)

photos by Dorka Szabó

Some parts of the text are written in English, some are in Hungarian, below the last picture you can read the English translation, by scrolling down you will find the original text.

Here you will find a longer description of the work in English and in Hungarian.

IN ENGLISH:

I would like to steal children from this house specifically, for my own purpose, Maria Káfon 06202324956

have I always painted because I felt remorse and because I was yearning for love?

once I wrote something to Máté about being too well.

I think I feel too well.

finally I could give shapes to my thoughts and since then I just cannot feel any remorse and anxiety and I don’t even underestimate myself.

And now don’t wanna do anything but having a walk and catch some rays.

or was it a state in which I lacked connection with reality and was I living in dreams and that’s why I needed to get closer to materials?

Painting – or installation, anything that uses materials – is a way of getting closer to the ground.

I accept my body,

I accept… etc., etc.

Dani: experiencing reality. Love is real, all the problems are real (there are situations to reflect on, now at last! I have experiences to reflect on, - I told my friends, even if nothing else, this is fantastic on its own), and the emptiness after splitting up, the sadness and the way love deepens and how it stays with me: all these are so much real.

LIFE

and not emptiness

not a subtitle on the black screen ‘something must happen’

What should I say about happiness?

happiness: it’s always perceptible in colours (Bonnard)

but meanwhile I should be a conceptualist

strict, in other words

Man always gets farther from something.

Is growing up the greatest or is it even the only relevant story (the life event) of us, of today’s people?

I created a myth of it and since then I don’t have any myths to be attached to.

I’m happy because I forgot (I could forget) my childhood.

Is sin the thing whose trace one can erase?

is it true that man only paints when he is dizzy and needs to be close to the ground?

Still, I can write about one more thing: the causes why I won’t have any children. what is the reason behind always choosing boys who “would never be able to force someone to being.” I never loved someone who didn’t come from Auschwitz.

However, if I had a child, he shouldn’t have a father. that I know for sure. So no matter what certain boys have in their minds.

Bess says: Jan will be home in ten days for a week.

This sentence was stuck in my mind for months.

Yes, I am, the codependent.

and then when ‘the teeter-totter of dominance’ changes its position, I realize that I’m the one who starts to step back

maybe I don’t even exist, it is only the teeter-totter of dominance

I am loosing my identity

or: have I just got better?

or: do I really not exist?

Should I be happy for this or not?

Now again I don’t know where I am.

painting is also a tool to locate yourself.

why is it a picture and not a text?

do you really think if you paint this question, it will validate the whole work?

because I don’t have any relations to the keyboard, but I have some with paint.

because the act of writing is not ‘being somewhere’

but the act of painting is: ‘being somewhere’

because I am speaking about the body. (I’m always speaking about the body.) Even if you don’t understand it.

because presence and absence are bodily phenomena

viewers’ waists will get tired, for sure, you know it.

It is a painter snail, she wants to get off of the painting and experience reality. You’d never guess, but her efforts were successful. She reached life. And now she doesn’t know what to do with it.

She is scared of emptiness but she cannot accept love.

is being in love means settling into the world?

or did I make something wrong?

I always thought there’s no place for me here.

By the way: howsoever a chatterbox I became, I feel: it is getting darker and darker.

Is it possible to speak about darkness in a non-quiet way?

Do I speak so much because it is so dark?

YES

does it heal your anxiety when you speak? it is so much unlike you. that’s great, isn’t it?

Each and every life is speaking and each and every life yearns to be told as a story. as a whole

But does each of them deserve to be told? whatsoever the topic may be, is it enough for us to reflect on it and to create a composition such as a picture, to call it something?

Does it make any sense to show these reflections if they only describe the time we live in? And what if they don’t even describe our time?

it is getting dark, but nothing happens (there’s no story)

that’s why I speak so much (I am not traumatized anymore, is it the reason why I have no centre?)

the act of painting is always an attempt to have a centre again

wouldn’t it make more sense to cut this long story short?

I suppose man doesn’t have a centre, because he lives too long. There is no continuity between so many things. There can’t be.

and what if I was a believer?

I want to be a believer

this is why I paint

this is why I do anything

oh God I miss you

Kozma György says today in our homophobic culture intimacy is not allowed between sons and their fathers. But the situation is similar with the daughters. The father is not allowed to touch his children, at least from a certain age. I remember having intimacy only with my mother. Is it the reason why girls tend to fall in love from a great distance? Fathers are out of reach.

Blanka, do you really want me to be dangerous?

the viewers waists’ got already tired

Do I use this foreign language because it would be too difficult to write about it in my own? English is always much lighter.

Do you really hope that if you paint it, it will disappear?

Yes, I hope. I know it works. It happened with my childhood. So it must be the same now. Yes, I really, really hope.

“Constant self-reflection causes nothing but pain.” Máté Labus

Painting is the best way to forget.

Is Márk right that people should take actions instead of withdrawing into themselves, into their families, into intimacy? That we should act in the political space? But I believe painting is an action. If I change, the world changes. Blanka, you are a true Christian. Yes, I am. But otherwise, I am political. I put my inmost thoughts to the agora.

Have you really forgotten your childhood if you still want boys to be dangerous?

I didn’t want Dani to be dangerous, I just wanted him to have plans. Yes, just as my father always had some tasks to fulfill.

this whole thing is about:

you will be saved by either activity or the lack of it. or God knows, there is no saving.

Blanka, you’re so smart that you could overcome the fear of dying alone and break up.

2016 (?) He is always coming when the Sun is shining, with his smile on his face and his head nodded aside. (this is Grandpa)

“maybe sunshine is not God, but it is the best metaphor for him”

ps. Anyway, the reason why I won’t have a child is that I wouldn’t have any idea what to do with someone, who never held the hands of a survivor.

- as long as I don’t write, at least I paint – said Lili Ország and hided herself in a crack of the wall.

Are you defending yourself from falling in love because you’re scared of the potential desire to have a common child with someone?

All these questions sound so clever, I just have nothing to do with them.

That language based on traumatic-narrative always tells the truth. That’s what makes me suspicious.

Anyway, yes. Family is something that must not happen again. It sounds dramatic. But I feel nothing while saying this. Though I felt something yesterday, while I was thinking about this sentence.

Are you not anxious about getting old and being left alone?

Dani had those panic attacks every week. (every day)

I should have told him that fear is not a disease but a talent.

Do you tend to choose boys who want to write, because you want to write?

I don’t want to write, I never even thought of it.

Pilinszky says: I hope I will die, since everyone could do that. I believe I will be able to do it, also.

Once I wrote to Máté:

- This time is also not mine.

- But which is yours?

Everything is self-losing, either clean or dirty.

at least to be recognizable at the end

They say the Good Lord has a huge storage and this storage is full of faces. Here are the faces of all the people who ever lived on Earth, but the nicest face of everyone. They say while Jakob was sleeping the angels went up and down on the ladder because they haven’t seen a man before whose earthly and skyey face were so similar. They were just climbing up and down between the two faces and they were gawking with their mouths opened.

ORIGINAL TEXT:

kimondottan ebből a házból lopnék gyereket, saját részre, Káfon Mária 06202324956

csak bűntudatból festettem-e mindig is meg szeretethiányból?

Máténak egyszer írtam a túl jó közérzetről.

azt hiszem, túl jól vagyok

a kilökődés nyomán elmúlt belőlem a bűntudat, az önlebecsülés és a szorongás (a rohamszerű legalábbis)

Nem akarok semmit csinálni csak sétálni a napban.

Vagy: a valóságtapasztalat hiányzott, sok volt a képzelgés és ezért kellett az anyag közelében lennem?

A festészet – igen, az installáció is, bármi, ami tárgyi – mindig földközeliség.

Elfogadom a testem,

elfogadom a stb, stb.

Dani: valóságtapasztalás – valóságos a szerelem, valóságos a sok probléma (van min gondolkoznom, most legalább végre! van min gondolkoznom, mondtam a környező embereknek, már ez önmagában csodálatos), és a szakítást követő hiány, a mély szomorúság és a szeretet bizonyossága és állandósulása: ezek mind, mind valóságosak.

ÉLET

nem nihil

nem fekete filmkockán a ‘something must happen’.

Mit lehet megfogalmazni a boldogságból?

a boldogság: mindig színekben jelentkezik (Bonnard)

de közben konceptualistának is kell maradni

vagyis: fegyelmezettnek

Az ember mindig távolodik valamitől.

A mai embernek tényleg az a legnagyobb vagy az egyetlen nagyszabású története (az életeseménye), hogy felnő? Én mítoszt faragtam ebből és azóta mítoszvesztésben vagyok.

Boldog vagyok, mert elfelejtettem (elfelejthettem) a gyerekkoromat.

“bűn az, aminek nyomát is sikerül eltüntetnünk” ?

The black box in which you can hide yourself and through which you can reveal your secrets.

Az ember tényleg csak akkor fest, ha nincs földközelben?

Arról még tudok írni, hogy miért nem lesz gyerekem. Hogy miért nézek ki mindig olyan fiúkat, akik “sohase tudnának létezésre kényszeríteni egy másik embert.” I never loved someone who didn’t come from Auschwitz.

bár, ha volna gyerekem, apja egészen biztosan nem lehetne. Úgyhogy végülis mindegy, hogy bizonyos fiúknak mi van a fejében.

Bess mondja: Jan will be home in ten days for a week.

hónapokig mondogattam ezt magamban

én, én, a kodependens.

aztán kiderül, hogy ha megfordul a dominancia libikóka, én távolodom.

Hogy nem vagyok, csak a dominancia libikóka van.

elvesztem az identitásom

vagy: meggyógyultam?

vagy: tényleg nem létezem?

örüljek neki vagy ne?

Megint seholse vagyok.

A festés arra is jó, hogy az ember legyen valahol.

ez miért kép, mért nem szöveg?

ha megfested a kérdést, azt hiszed, már legitimáltad is az egészet?

mert nincs kapcsolatom a billentyűzettel, de van a festékkel.

pff..

mert írni nem ‘valahol levés’.

festeni az

mert a testről beszélek. (én mindig a testről beszélek) Akkor is, ha nem értitek

mert a testben van a jelenlét meg a nem-jelenlét.

el fog fáradni a nézők dereka, azt tudod.

The world got so far from us that we don’t even miss it.

Man tends to have the desire to become visible, but he is able show less day by day.

She is scared of emptiness but she cannot accept love.

a szerelem a világba való berendezkedés? vagy rosszul csináltam? én mindig úgy tudtam, hogy nincs helyem itt.

Egyébként bármilyen szószátyár is lettem, közben érzem, folyamatosan sötétedik. Lehet a sötétedésről nem-hallgatagon beszélni? Azért beszélek ennyit, mert annyira sötét van? IGEN

Beszéddel oldod a szorongást? nem ismerek rád. az már jó, nem?

minden élet beszéd és meg akar formálódni.

elbeszéltté akar válni.

de meg is érdemli mindegyik, hogy elbeszélődjön? Bámi is a dolog, elég a reflektálás és a forma, hogy valamivé váljon? Ha csak a korról derül ki valami a figyelmemen keresztül, akkor ez az egész könyvtárduzzasztás? És ha a korról sem?

sötétedés van, de nem történés (nem történet) ezért beszélek annyit. (nem vagyok már traumatizált, nincs közepem?)

a festés mindig a középpont visszaszerzése

nem volna érdemesebb lepárolni ebből az egészből valamit?

Szerintem az embernek azért nincs közepe, mert túl sokáig él. Egyszerűen ennyi minden között nincs kontinuitás. Nem lehet.

és ha hívő volnék?

hívő szeretnék lenni

a festés erről szól

minden erről szól

oh God I miss you

BLANKA, DO YOU REALLY WANT ME TO BE DANGEROUS?

már el is fáradt a nézők dereka.

Do I use this foreign language because it would be too difficult to write about it in my own? English is always much lighter.

Do you really hope that if you paint it, it will disappear?

Yes, I hope. I know it works. It happened with my childhood. So it must be the same now. Yes, I really, really hope.

“A befordult szemek csak fájdalmat okoznak.” Labus Máté

PAINTING IS THE BEST WAY TO FORGET.

az én szivem sokat csatangolt, de most már pritty pritty pritty

Have you really forgotten your childhood if you still want boys to be dangerous?

I did not want Dani to be dangerous, I just wanted him to have plans. Yes, just as my father always had some tasks to fulfil.

ez az egész: vagy a tevékenység ment meg vagy a tevékenység hiánya, vagy isten bizony, semmi sem.

Olyan ügyes vagy, Blanka, hogy felül tudtál emelkedni a gondolaton, hogy akkor mostmár egyedül fogsz meghalni, és sikerült szakítanod.

2016 (?) Mindig napsütésben jön, a félrebiccent mosolyával. (ez a Nagyapó)

“ha a napfény nem is az Isten, de a legjobb analógia rá”

ps. Anyway, the reason why I won’t have a child is that I wouldn’t have any idea what to do with someone, who never held the hands of a survivor.

VALÓSÁGHORDOZÓ TEST

- amíg nem írok, addig is festek – mondta Ország Lili és elbújt egy falrepedésben.

Are you defending yourself from falling in love because you’re scared of the potential desire to have a common child with someone? All these questions sound so clever, I just have nothing to do with them. That language based on trauma-narrative always tells the truth. That’s what makes me suspicious. Anyway, yes. Family is something that must not happen again. It sounds dramatic. But I feel nothing while saying this. Though I felt something yesterday, while I was thinking about this sentence.

Are you not anxious about getting old and being left alone?

Dani had those panic attacks every week. (every day) I should have told him that fear is not a disease but a talent.

Do you tend to choose boys who want to write, because you want to write?

I don’t want to write, I never even thought of it.

Pilinszky azt mondja: bízom benne, hogy meg fogok halni, idáig mindenkinek sikerült. bízom, hogy nekem is fog sikerülni.

Máténak írtam egyszer:

- Ez az idő sem az enyém.

- Mert melyik az?

Minden én-vesztés, csak van tiszta meg van mocskos.

at least: to be recognizable at the end

Mondják, hogy van a Jóistennek egy nagy raktára és ez a raktár tele arcokkal. Minden valaha élt embernek itt az arca, mindenkinek a lehetséges legszebb arca. Állítólag, miközben Jákob aludt, az angyalok azért jártak föl-le, föl-le a lajtorján, mert annyira meg voltak illetődve: még sohasem láttak embert, akinek a földi arca ennyire hasonlított volna az égihez. Csak kapaszkodtak-ereszkedtek föl-le a két arc között és néztek tátott szájjal.